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A Course in Self-Esteem
4. Defending Against Low Self-Esteem
by Channing Grigsby
Outline
Deflection: changing the subject
Withdrawal -- or turning the switch off, checking out of the conversation
We have a vested interest in ourselves as we are.
This is one of the major reasons why people have difficulty changing what they don't like about themselves. Why all the knowing better doesn't help.
In addition to all the symptoms mentioned, there are a few recognizable and identifiable behaviors we use in order to protect and maintain our low self-esteem. A lot of these have to do with allowing ourselves not to know about our low self-esteem, so we are defending against knowledge entering our own consciousness as much as we try to prevent others from knowing about it.
Beyond simple denial and minimizing, we can also deflect attempts by others to deal with it or tell us about it. Someone asks about a hard or uncomfortable reality, like "How late were you out last night?" and what we do is change the subject: "Did you get the car fixed?"
Sometimes, we lie outright. Lying, in fact, is one of the prime defenses, because the intent is to hide our addiction or compulsive behavior, as if we are such great actors it 's possible to deceive the people in our lives. But they may not wish to know either. If they don't wish to know, they may collude in the deception that nothing is going on, but usually, afterward, when the deception is discovered, they will acknowledge they had some sense things weren't right. Nothing destroys a relationship faster than distrust and dishonesty, and it is in this way that addictions tear families apart.
Another defense is simple anger. If you bring up something that touches on the issue of behavior or intent, the other person goes off the deep end. If mild anger or irritation doesn't handle it, sometimes the anger escalates into a full-blown, completely unpredictable rage that can result in an assault, or destruction, or the person walking out, temporarily or permanently (usually the former).
Sometimes they just withdraw. It's as if you can see a switch get thrown to the off-position. Eyes glaze over and the person just checks out of the conversation entirely. In fact, they are no longer there. They are simply not present. Frequently such psychic withdrawal and refusal to be present is also demonstrated by the person simply turning and walking away. They're not angry; they're simply not present
Occasionally, we adopt a world view of cynicism, or adopt a general attitude of negativity or disgust as a way of avoiding our low self-esteem, and sometimes completely unconsciously until someone else points out how negative we're being. Such a view colors our expectations. We take a position of judgment that focuses on the poor behavior or attitudes of others, persuade ourselves that this bad behavior or human failing is the rule rather than the exception and react out of that cynicism most if not all the time. It serves to protect us by separating us from the hurly-burly of the real world. The cynical or negative or disgusted position is distant, unengaged, uninvolved.
Some of us intellectualize mightily to protect ourselves. We stay in our heads, mentating, thinking. We analyze endlessly, trying to understand, we say. There are people who have had years of therapy and know every possible explanation for the causes of their behavior, they know the motives and the reasons, and they can and will recite them to you in agonizing detail. But this knowledge never seems to make a difference, never seems to help them change. The result is the on-going maintenance of their low self-esteem and not its improvement.
People with low self-esteem have been hurt, sometimes badly, and they have a lot of bad feelings and anger tied up with it. Those feelings can come out in powerful negative feelings, hatred, for instance, against others. We project our pain and anger onto others, venting prodgiously. If you find yourself hating someone or something, having strong negative feelings, it is a strong message you're sending to yourself that you have some unfinished work to attend to. This is especially true if you are prone to powerful responses or reactions, and wind up saying frequently, "I hate that, I hate him, I hate them."
One of the best defenses is confusion, in behavior, thought, or feeling. A confused person cannot heheld responsible for what happens. After all, a confused person doesn't know what to do first, what to think, or what to feel, or even how to do what's necessary. If asked what they want, they can't tell you, and they can't tell you because they literally do not know and, for the moment at least, can't allow themselves to find out.
Some of us are not only secret victims, but we victimize others. We have all known or met someone who is "the helpless friend." This is a person who just can't seem to handle any of the realities of life well: job, money, place to live, car. Sometimes we wind up "helping" such a person, and in the process we get taken advantage of and victimized ourselves. If we draw a hard line, our "friend" gets hurt and is victimized. Who's the victim here and who's the villain?
Hiding: Roles, Masks, and "Acts"
If we're suffering from low self-esteem, we try to hide the fact as best we can, utilizing our roles, or the masks we've created, or, as some put it, by going through our "act." "I am the perfect wife." "You know I really can't do math." These are all part of the manifestation of the False Self we've created. A great deal of it is tied up in various gender definitions — what is female, what is male in our society and our culture, parodied in the satiric title from a few years ago, "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche." But what are real women, real men like? And how and where do we learn?
Another good protection for our low self-esteem is caving in. If we're in a dispute, and things are going against us, we just give up. "All right, if you say so." We don't assert ourselves because we're not sure there is an "us" to assert, and so if we meet any kind of powerful negative reaction, we quit. If carried on long enough, this winds up making us essentially passive. All we do is react to what someone else says or does. Such people are frequently enfuriating to deal with because there is no person "there." It is, finally, agressive because it becomes a dominant reality in the relationship. Sometimes the most powerful person in a group is the one who remains silent and withdrawn until everyone else chases after her. Psychologists identify such people as "passive-aggressive."
If we remain passive long enough, finally we become helpless. There is nothing we can do to fix anything, ourselves, the situation. We have no power any more (we have given it all away) and so we are powerless.
While all of these defenses may protect our low self-esteem, it is important to remember that all of them are learned, all of them have been chosen. In fact, one psychologist, Martin E. P. Seligman, has devoted a significant part of his career to studying a conditon he calls "learned helplessness."(1)
If you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, the safest thing to do is nothing. Such a conclusion is absolutely logical and intelligent. We may have low self-esteem, but we aren't stupid.
© 1997, C. Grigsby, All Rights Reserved. 2 Aug 1988
Comments? E-mail to: Channing