self esteem course: 11. in a nutshell: summary

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A Course in Self-Esteem

11. In a Nutshell: Summary and Review

by Channing Grigsby

Everyone has a self-image. Is yours current, or is it arrested at some time when you were a child?
Is it accurate? Is it acceptable? Inaccurate images result in confusion, and then self-contempt. Unacceptable images result in depression, then despair.

We are believing creatures. So we turn images into beliefs.
We hold those beliefs with primary certainty -- we make a basic assumption they are true, as we assume the sun will rise tomorrow or air will be present for our next breath.
The beliefs we hold about ourselves are also held with primary certainty, but they are based on a judgment, usually someone else's, and on our interpretations of those judgments made by others.
Judgments only and merely express approval or disapproval.
We are all crazy, but we are very reasonable about it.
There is a world out there, but the world we respond to is an illusion in our heads which is more or less congruent with what's out there. Our lives are surrounded by, permeated with, illusion. That is, things which are inaccurate or untrue.
We are all afraid of not being loved, or being abandoned and left alone.
In our desperation to deal with this fear, we resort to a futile attempt to control other people and the world.

We test people, especially ourselves, unaware that tests are created and designed to be failed, not passed.

We are learning all the time -- but what lessons are we learning? Have we learned?

We learn how to get but not how to lose.
We have learned we are wrong, not good enough, bad, or crazy. We learn that we know is foolish, what we think is strange, what we feel is wrong, what we want will harm us, what we imagine is unacceptable. We learn to be so ashamed of ourselves we literally do not know what we see, think, or feel anymore.
We have the right to our senses, our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our own imaginations.
Another's permission is not required for us to live.
We have learned it is all our fault -- no matter what it is -- including what another person's feelings are. With such global responsibility comes inevitable failure, guilt, resentment, and guilt on guilt.
So we live from one crisis to another, in ourselves, in our homes, our communities, our states, our nations.
We make the abnormal normal and acceptable. We have beat ourselves up for so long it feels normal to do so and it feels weird, and wrong and unnatural when we stop.
Result?
We don't trust well, we don't will well, we don't love well, we don't get close to another well, we don't forgive well, we don't let go well, we don't grieve well, we don't celebrate well, we don't live well, and we don't feel well.
We have become what we feared most -- grown-ups. And in spite of how we feel about it, now we have the power we have always wanted.
The point of power for changing our lives is here and now. We can't change yesterday or control tomorrow.
We can begin by simply observing without judgment.
The mainspring motivation for the human animal is the fulfillment of our needs.
Find out what your needs are. Are they really yours? Are they really needs? Or are they something someone once said you should need or be? Or maybe they are merely wants. Find out what your needs are and act in accord with your needs to fulfill them.
We have the inalienable right to have needs, to have unfulfilled needs -- we have the right to be needy, and given the records so far, we also have the right to fear our needs won't be fulfilled.
Against fear, use A Song Against Fear
We also have the inalienable right to be in error, to make mistakes, to be an asshole, to do something stupid, and to be wrong (though we don't need to make a career of it).
We are perfectly capable of terrorizing ourselves with our own fear-generated thoughts of catastrophe or through our own relentless criticism of ourselves. We are also perfectly capable of stopping that. The power to deal with that is ours.
Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.
Speak lovingly unto yourself.
It takes more strength to ask for help than to do without.
Take care of your body. Love yourself. Learn how to be in your body., Attend to your posture in standing, walking, sitting, lying. Learn how to breathe, to eat, exercise, play, rest, sleep, relax, meditate, release stress. Remember GIGO: garbage in, garbage out: you will get back what you put in. And that goes for your mind and spirit too.
Remember this: you almost always do the best you can or know how to do. To do better, don't try harder, learn better, try smarter.
A disabled will does not allow us to do anything about what we want. A disabled will does not allow us to do anything about our needs.
A disabled will does not allow us to raise a desire we have to the level of action so that we can strive to achieve it. We begin to think we can't want, then we begin to think we are not deserving and not entitled. Then we don't permit ourselves to act, nor to have a will, an intent, or a purpose, the very things that drive our lives and our behavior.

Comments? E-mail to: Channing