Rubin: Compassion & Self-Hate

Self-Esteem
Enhancing Self-Esteem

The Negative Trip

  Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin is adamant about his position: any thought, behavior, belief that does not support or nurture us is a form of self-hatred. It is not neutral, or simply dislike. It is nothing less than hostility toward ourselves. Hatred. Powerful. Negative. Implacable. And its consequences, when chronic, as most of it is, are depression and despair.

  At first glance, his position is a little hard to take: it says if you are not being nice to yourself, you are being actively nasty, one might say even evil, toward yourself. Even indifference is poisonous because it does not support, it does not nurture. And while it is somewhat difficult to accept such a stringent view when it describes our activity toward ourselves, we have no difficulty seeing it when we think about treating a child that way. For a child, indifference is not neutral but poisonous. Unremitting criticism is unmerciful. Constant condemnation kills the spirit and the soul. Hostility and hatred singe and sear the heart.

  This hateful stance we take toward ourselves is learned and there are many active influences to make it strong. We are not often taught we are at least adequate, at least good enough. We are urged, sometimes required, to be more, better, faster, nicer, stronger, even perfect, and we learn to be as harsh on ourselves as others are, and sometimes we are harder on us than they are.

  For Dr. Rubin, the alternative to self-hate is compassion. Clearly we need to learn compassion and gentleness that will allow us to put away the whips we flay ourselves with. Few of us are aware of how badly we beat ourselves up, of how nasty we are to ourselves. This book can help you learn to stop the one and learn the other.

CONTENTS
Part One:
An Alternative to Despair

Part Two:
Self-Hate

Part Three:
Compassion

Part Four:
On Human Terms

Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.D.

Compassion & Self-Hate

1975, Ballantine Books, 1980.

(11/97) : $4.80

Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin is a psychoanalyst practicing in New York City.

from Part Two:
Self-Hate
Forms of Self-Hate: Direct

  Self-hate consists of attacks on self whatever form they take. In direct self-hate there is nothing subtle about the onslaught. While its origin, motive, reason for being and its effects may be relegated to an unconscious level by the victim, identification as self-hate is usually obvious, with little need for interpretation. Simple observation and even the most primitive form of analysis readily reveals the self-destructive nature and intent of the process. Direct self-hate includes all active processes and also symptoms stemming from the processes as well as signs and symbols of the process, indicating that self-hate must be taking place.

Self-Derision

  This takes the form of thoughts and actual verbalizations to other people: "I'm stupid." "I'm no good." "I can't do anything right." "Look at me, I'm such a crass, clumsy oaf...." ...These statements come forth on almost a conditioned-reflex basis, with what looks like an autonomy of their own and most often at times when the victim is about to do something worthwhile and constructive.... (p. 31)

from Part Four:

The Destructive Culture

  The culture we live in comprises more than conventions and customs. It provides a value system, a frame of reference (of which we may have no conscious awareness), that in many ways defines the human condition....

  We often are unaware of how inhuman, Godlike and impossible our terms for living and self-acceptance have become. ...Our aspirations are often totally inappropriate and incompatible with being human. Our culture produces many double-bind situations in which we are damned if we do and damned if we don't, and, even worse, damned if we are certain ways and at the same time damned if we aren't. For example, we are condemned as nonassertive if we are gentle, and as aggressively abrasive and braggarts if we are self-assertive.
(p. 199-200)

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